Excuses mean nothing; but there's no harm in trying.

Everything seems to be ok. Or is it? If you take the notion of being "out of love" out of the equation, it may seem that life is perfect. Do I really need it? In the first place, it only seems like an illusion. Hindsight has told me that unrequited love will keep me alive. Relationships can have this negative connotation of possession. What this means is that there is this unconscious desire within us to fulfill our own selfish desires at the expense of compromising the harmony of that connection.

Why is there an innate desire for someone to change someone else? You can't control how someone lives his/her life, that would be a violation of their freedom. I will never compromise that freedom. Without it, my life loses its most essential meaning; authenticity. There's no use in changing to cater to someone else's whims.

Here are some suggestions (because I don’t intend to make promises I can’t keep)
This New Year is going to be all about CHANGE!
Isn’t that a good way to start the year?
Due to some sudden revelations and exceptional circumstances, I have been directed by certain individuals to reevaluate my priorities and especially my disposition in life. What they are asking of me seems almost unreasonable but if I think about it may actually be “for my own good.” But who has the right to even question my very essence?
This is who I am. If I change, what will become of me? I suppose it can be argued that sooner or later I will have to leave my comfort zone/prison and conform to accepted social norms and be a robot. The questions/reprimands/demands shot right through my heart. I was caught completely off guard. How did you expect me to react? I know she’s been telling me the same things over and over again but I did not listen in the first place (You didn’t have to defend my behavior you know, Just because I told you I’m a selfish brat doesn’t mean that I have the right to be). I was too caught up in those special moments and did not even bother to think about the subtleties and unspoken rules of handling relationships. I am not an expert on interpersonal matters.
I am just a self-absorbed boy. But now, I’m being told that I’m an adult? How do you define an adult? I certainly don’t know what that means exactly. Even my own parents don’t treat me like one and certainly don’t want me to be one just yet. That’s what being spoiled all my life does to me.
I guess I must find a middle ground; somewhere I can be myself without breaking any stupid rules. I will try my best to behave in the event of another compromising situation.

Walang tawiran nakamamatay

Kahit na wala na akong sarili kong sasakyan, namamasyal pa rin ako sa kung saan-saan. Usually nasa mall lang; naghahanap ng mabibili. Ang sarap ng feeling na kaya mong bilhin lahat nang makita mo! Very relaxing rin pala maglakad sa makati avenue. Puro mga foreigner na puti. Ano bang ginagawa nila sa makati??? Naghahanap ng aliw? Wala naman akong nakitang aliw eh.

Saan ba talaga yung Glorietta 5??? Totoo ba talaga yung lugar na yun? Yung tipong papasok ka pa lang may kumakanta nang mga anghel; bawat tapak mo may mga servants na magkakalat ng rose petals sa nilalakaran mo; at kung tinatamad ka maglakad sasakay ka sa tronong katulad kay Papa Xerxes sa pelikulang 300!

Nakakainis! nabitin ako sa bus sa EDSA... Hindi ko natapos panoorin yung Rambo. Hindi ko ma-gets yung story. Bakit ba gusto patayin ng mga Russian at Vietcong siya? Dahil ba naiinggit sila sa katawan niya? Ang kinky pa ng torture scene nila: Sinasawsaw si Rambo sa putik habang nilalatigo yung pututoy niya!

Video games, bakit nakakasawa ka na??? Ibebenta ko na yung Nintendo DSi ko tapos gamitin ko yung pera para pambili ng Magic: The Gathering na cards. Balik ulit ako sa paglaro ng cards para maiba naman. Balak ko pang gawing business to! Pero kelangan may market research muna. Exciting!

May Ateneo Jacket na ako! Kasama sa tuition to'! Bakit short course (1 term) lang kinuha ko sa Ateneo may nakuha akong jacket pero halos limang taon ako sa DLSU wala akong jacket??? May utang sa akin ang DLSU ng isang dosenang jacket! Dapat glow-in-the-dark!

Glass Cage

I want to tell you everything but I can’t seem to find the right words to say to you. It’s just not the way I cope with challenges like this; overcoming whatever this phase in my life is. That’s why I’m hiding in this self-imposed prison. It’s the only way I know how can get through this. Whenever I’m with you, all I ever wanted to do was to share my love and happiness with you. But I can’t do that anymore. Even I’m not sure who I am anymore. I once thought that I could stay happy forever but that was just an illusion. It seems everything I do is fake. I’ve lost my authenticity. I can’t be myself anymore. I’m trying to find a way to accepting this change but I’m so used to my old ways. I’m regressing.

Death by suppression

Of course I can't tell you how I really feel. Almost everyone is already asking me that. They do not have the privilege of knowing such revealing matters about my psychological condition. But the moment I tell you how I really feel... chaos will ensue. I'm already a changed individual in light of a recent unfortunate event. Gone were the days of total freedom of expression. Even when I'm on my own I feel guilt the second I wear my heart on my sleeve. Fear consumes me. The pain of suppression is not the kind of emotional masochism I want.

Honesty has been compromised in the name of selfishness.

Happiness is overshadowed by a feeling of guilt.

Randomness is still subsumed by fear.

Peace of mind still appears to be an illusion.

Accountability and Responsibility is being denied to avoid hardship.

Selflessness cannot be achieved because I am naturally selfish.

Perserverance disappears in the face of escapist tendencies.

Should I change my personal values?

Then what should I stand for?

fearless?

numbness?

emotional detachment?

emotional confusion?

where do I go for my emotional needs???

On my own? I'll only wallow in my own misery or constantly live in denial.

*****??? She has her own problems already. No need to burden her further.

******? I am afraid of developing a deeper relationship with her

***? My hidden desire for her gets in the way.

****? Busy pa rin.

*******? can't bear myself to discuss these things with him

********? tomorrow sana libre siya

*******? Pwede... but ok lang kaya sa kanya?

Parents??? Too Busy/Too cold

Brother? emotionally an empty shell

Sisters? physically absent

I have invested so much in this relationship.

Why am I falling?

MAYBE if this accident didn't happen.

Emotional support:

I understand your situation but for now I cannot provide you with what you need

because I too need the same from you.

Living deeply

"When these changes happen, we realize we are not running the show here. Something larger is orchestrating the timing, sequence and content of our lives. We begin to go through a change of identity, like a caterpillar getting enveloped by a cocoon. Previous facts of our life are highly suspect and likely to be thrown out entirely. We're finding there's more to life than meets the eye. We start adding an unforeseen dimension to our experience. We begin to live deeply."

- Tom Haskins